Countdown: 1 Day to Go!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Doctor Heinz Beenz was coming up with fresh ideas on how to survive Christmas day. Here's the rundown.

"So here we are at the night before Christmas. No doubt you have your bird ready for cooking tomorrow and all the presents are under the tree. Let us assume that tomorrow you are the one cooking. If you are not cooking then you will probably be on the recieving end of this.

"So the day starts at the crack of dawn, when you promptly turn over and go back to sleep. Following this and being woken up by your guests gently prodding your backside and realising the turkey should've been in the over 2 hours ago you get dressed and rush downstairs to find everyone has opened their presents without you.

"The day is going badly.

"When this starts to happen just relax. Remind yourself that these people are you friends, and that you can make them pay for the rest of the next year. They say you can choose your friends but this is not true. People are drawn to one another like moths to mothballs.

"What happens if you recieve a substandard gift? When this happens you simply send whoever sent you the gift a thank you note. Make it as sweet as possible. Then drive over to Barnaby's house and kick his car...I didn't mean to say Barnaby. It could be any cheap miser giving you a present of such poor quality after you bailed him out of a tight spot. SELFISH GIT!

"I digress, Christmas is about being together, and what could draw any family more together then a fight. Such fights will be started over the silliest of things, but ensure that they continue as this will keep your guests engaged and content until it is time for you to fire the warning shot into the ceiling to tell them to get the hell out of your house.

"Lets not forget what Christmas is all about, disappointment and togetherness.

"Season's greetings everybody!"

Thank you Doctor Beenz, I'm sure your ex-wife is very happy with her new husband.