Countdown: 3 Days to Go!

Yesterday I tried and tried to contact Doctor Heinz Beenz, now the Scientific Laureate to the Throne of the Isle of Vorderman, and he wasn't picking up his phone, answering his e-mails.

I managed to get through to his wife at 10pm last night and she asked me if I was interested in a good time, I said yes and then promptly hung up to go and have a good time. I love my XBox.

I recieved this e-mail from him today on the subject of "Doing the rounds".

"My friends, my dear friends. That is what you all are at this time of year. Dear friends! Many people you see at this time of year only. It is strange that people who you couldn't give a fig about for 364 days (365 on a leap year) are suddenly thought about on the last Sunday before the big event.

"I am today going to examine this phenomanomanomanom. Firstly who are these people? They are usually obscure relatives or friends of friends. Somebody you met on a bus stop once. The person you went to university with but thought smelled of cabbage. I am sure you know this person very well. For me it is my old school chum Barnaby Tromboner. He was the aforementioned man who's aura radiated cabbage. I hate this man and his annoying little family. I am not sure I was friends with him in school, I seem to remember him stealing my money on numerous occations.

"In the example of Barnaby, the Sunday that has just passed I spent around his domecile as if we were the best of friends. That was the image at least. He spoke at length to me on the subject of his children's latest achievements and how well his wife was getting on as a dull and boring person. I don't care! For the love of god I never knew one group of people could spend a whole year doing absolutely nothing. As a man of science this concept is alien to me.

"I do believe that the weekend before Christmas is set aside to go and visit people. I like to interlace people I don't want to see with people I do. Although that list shortens with each passing year. Additionally my wife bought presents for each of them. EACH OF THEM! I'm getting a razor for Christmas this year for my wife and she bought them a DVD player from us! A DVD player. I started these Christmas musings in the interest of Science but now I am discovering the true nature of the season. Misery! Disappointment! Annoying people!

"And if you're reading this Barnaby, and I know you will be as you regularly google your own name: yes it was me who did that to your toilet and not your son as first suspected. I also did it elsewhere but I suppose that one won't be found until little Michael opens his stocking on Christmas morning.

"Tis the season."

He's really getting into it this year isn't he?