Countdown: 8 Days to Go!

Senior Lecturer Doctor Heinz Beenz, formerly of the University of Bathales now at the Gally Sunnel Institute for Learning and Hurdles, has contacted my good self again with further advice for the festive period. Being the kind and sharing soul that I am, I have decided to share these nuggets with you again.

"Greetings my fine wintery chums! Today my lecture is on getting into the festive spirit. You may not celebrate Christmas, not everybody does, and some people don't want to celebrate it even though they should. For you Abanazer Scrooges out there, I've got some useful advice on getting into the season.

"I'm going to concentrate on the five senses of Christmas, starting with Smell. Nothing beats a Christmassy smelling house, but what smells do we associate with winterval? Some say Christmas trees. Some day holly and mistletoe. Some even go as far as saying roast bird. From research into this by my undergraduate studnents I can conclude that nothing says Ho ho ho more than booze flowing freely. What class you are from will vary the booze that flows. In the lower classes you should expect low grade lagers and cheap fizz, but in the upper crust you can expect hand pressed oak matured spirits and lighter fluids (organic). Spread these cans and bottles liberally about your house and you'll smell the season instantly. I've already got many cans around my office and I can feel the cheer entering me from every pore.

"Sight: bright, flashing lights! That's what's on your tree, in your shopping arcades and other public areas. Some people cannot afford the lights in these hard financial times, so why bother. During this season people drink more (as mentioned earlier) and with this there will be a variety of coloured bottles about. In order to simulate Christmas lights in your own homes simply procure some of these bottles, turn on a regular light (low wattage so you don't damage your eyes) and close one eyelid. Then place two differently coloured bottles over each of your eyes and look at the lights. Now alternate the closed eyes. Hey presto, cheap Christmas display lights! Yes!

"Sound is what you hear with your ears, so that is why we examine it next. Christmas music would be the obvious choice, but that is too terribly cliche I won't even begin to consider it. I am a man of science after all. Instead I shall focus on the ambient sounds that happen around this time of year. Namely shouting. Christmas is all about shouting as loudly as possible at other people. The best way to start a fracas would be to sleep with your neighbours wife/husband. If this is already happening then you may need to head down a different line of attack. Maybe you should try pulling down your trousers whilst watching tv in the evening and making rude noises with your mouth? This may cause an incident too. All good things to get the blood of your friends and relatives going.

"There is only one taste of Christmas, the taste of despair at the repeating of Merry Christmas Mr. Bean on the television. Make sure you have it taped beforehand just incase they don't play it again and again and again and again.

"Finally, what does Christmas feel like? What can you touch to get people in the mood for the holidays? Well:"

THE FOLLOWING SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED BASED UPON ADVICE FROM KPJG.co.uk'S LAWYER NIGEL AXEBLADE.

"...So when that clears up you should be feeling very festive. Please come back again tomorrow when you are all jollified and I shall recant more Christmas tips to you"

Wow, I can't believe he pulled another fine one out of the bag. Well done Doctor Beenz