Countdown: 9 Days to Go!

Have you done you Christmas shopping yet? Never fear! (Un)Renowned scientist Doctor Heinz Beenz, Lecturer at the University of Bathales, is on hand to lend a hand!

"So you are having trouble with the shopping at Christmas? There are many ways to combat the stress felt by having to buy lots of gifts for people you might not even like that much!

"My first tip is to go Jedi! There is no Christmas, only the force. This will alleviate the need to buy gifts and it comes with a free lightsabre (batteries not included)

"Another tip: never underestimate the power of a home made gift. These gifts are usually best given as family presents from children. No children? Don't worry! Every September schools around the country throw away lots of pieces of 'artwork' made by the little darlings. Now hanging around schools is not a good idea and will get you arrested and sent to prison for a very, very long time you sick, sick pervert! The recycling centre on the other hand is unguarded (if you take a big enough lead pipe). Many a lecture of mine has been given on recycled paper and material (although as long as you reference it properly its called 'research'). Simply go to the recycling centre and burrow through the mountains of paper until you find something which looks vageuly childish.
"Luckily children also have terrible handwriting so as long as the first letter of the name is correct then you're free to give it as a gift as the rest of the name will be illegible. Some people may question whether or not you have children, simply brush these comments away with excuses like 'is that the time?' and 'I must go now as I've left the dog in the oven.'

"I haven't bought a present for anybody in the last twenty years, and neither should you. I don't shoplift, but I do go to through people's recycling boxes, steal their empty wine bottles and fill them up with my own home made wine. I simply crush the berries and mushrooms that grow in my garden and ferment them over a period of twenty minutes (with the help of some antifreeze) and the corks I make out of sticky tape and clumps of mud.

"I think with these tips you should be able to have a very happy Christmas."

Thank you to Doctor Heinz Beenz, that was very chilling.