KPJG's Place

Comics and that

2009-10-14T17:35:00.002+01:00

Howdy ho folks!

So I'm a bit annoyed that I missed the Birminham comic show for 2 reasons. 1, I didn't get to see everyone I wanted to see and 2 I didn't get Brown Bottle Bear in on time.

I have, however, finished the damn thing so if I can get it scanned and sent to Mal as soon as possible I will have another jolly title to my name.

Next is the long awaited (at least to me) FAWK chapter 2. I've done a lot of different drawing in the mean time and I feel I've improved. I'm also striving to maintain consistency of the style across this one as well, something I feel was lacking in the other one.

For those of you who have read the first chapter (although as I'm pretty certain no-one reads this blog anyways this is more of a reminder for myself) the four charaters who are in the house will have their characters developed a bit in Chapter 2. It's going to mainly focus on the house (which bares a striking resemblance to one I might have lived in for a few months...but isn't that house at all for legal raisins). Also some of the characters may have picked up the traits of some people I know. Luckily for you guys the character of me is still absolutely nothing like me. He has hair for starters.

My other aim with VoRKS chapter 2 is to ensure that all of the action happens in consistent environments and that the backgrounds get better. I'm not that great at them at the moment so that's something I'm really trying to focus on.

That's all for now...

K

Countdown: 1 Day to Go!

2008-12-24T09:20:00.000Z

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house Doctor Heinz Beenz was coming up with fresh ideas on how to survive Christmas day. Here's the rundown.

"So here we are at the night before Christmas. No doubt you have your bird ready for cooking tomorrow and all the presents are under the tree. Let us assume that tomorrow you are the one cooking. If you are not cooking then you will probably be on the recieving end of this.

"So the day starts at the crack of dawn, when you promptly turn over and go back to sleep. Following this and being woken up by your guests gently prodding your backside and realising the turkey should've been in the over 2 hours ago you get dressed and rush downstairs to find everyone has opened their presents without you.

"The day is going badly.

"When this starts to happen just relax. Remind yourself that these people are you friends, and that you can make them pay for the rest of the next year. They say you can choose your friends but this is not true. People are drawn to one another like moths to mothballs.

"What happens if you recieve a substandard gift? When this happens you simply send whoever sent you the gift a thank you note. Make it as sweet as possible. Then drive over to Barnaby's house and kick his car...I didn't mean to say Barnaby. It could be any cheap miser giving you a present of such poor quality after you bailed him out of a tight spot. SELFISH GIT!

"I digress, Christmas is about being together, and what could draw any family more together then a fight. Such fights will be started over the silliest of things, but ensure that they continue as this will keep your guests engaged and content until it is time for you to fire the warning shot into the ceiling to tell them to get the hell out of your house.

"Lets not forget what Christmas is all about, disappointment and togetherness.

"Season's greetings everybody!"

Thank you Doctor Beenz, I'm sure your ex-wife is very happy with her new husband.

Countdown: 2 Days to Go!

2008-12-23T09:02:00.001Z

You've probably seen the headlines today. Our learned friend, Doctor Heinz Beenz, has been the subject of a scandal. Not much has been revealed, but the good Doctor was found this morning on his local high street covered in bovril singing the "Birdie Song". The papers are already speculating what's happening.

His wife has already started erecting guard posts on the house, and according to Dr. Beenz the "pepperoni will be shot on site". As I've known Heinz for a long, long time he let me in after frisking me to give me the latest lecture.

"So you have finished your Christmas shopping...but wait! You have not! Aunty Rhubella/Uncle Frank/Your real father is coming over for Christmas dinner and you haven't bought her/him/it a gift! It's the day before Christmas eve! At least it was! Now it's Christmas eve! Yikes!

"Does that situation sound familiar to you? It certainly doesn't to me. I have servants to go out and get my presents for other people and I always buy extra just in case, although this is not a sure way to win in this situation as I will describe later.

"So lets say, for instance, it is tomorrow: Christmas Eve. You have this person coming to your house. You don't know them very well at all and hope to get them a gift on the cheap. You also have only 1 hour until the shops close. What do you do?

"To start with don't panic! There are pleanty of establishments open and all of which can cater to your needs. Which ones are closest? The local convenience stores! Alas, these shops might now sell the quality gift you are expecting to get this relative/well-wisher. To go into town would surely be a nightmare. Take my tip and use the local all night garage. It is a veritable treasure trove of gifts. Even better, find your nearest service station. It may take you longer to get there but as soon as you walk down its hallowed tiled hall you will see something to buy your family member. This could come in the guise of a torch with the power of a million candles or a camping chair and table. All things which are very useful in todays work-a-day world.

"Lets also assume you've bought extra presents just in case of this event happening. Unfortunately it is embedded into the very laws of the universe itself that when you are in the shop buying the just-in-case presents they will seem like good generic presents, but when you come to select one out of the stockpile for your relative you will not be able to find one appropriate. You seemed to think of everyone but him/her/whatever. Aunty Mable doesn't want a shaving kit, Uncle Frank doesn't need a hairbrush (he's bald!) Your real father doesn't need to know about you, no matter how hard you try to get into contact with him.

"However late it is, remember, it can always be said with Ferrero Rochet."

Thanks again, Heinz, although you could've bought me a present and not just said "it's in the post". Git.

Countdown: 3 Days to Go!

2008-12-22T10:34:00.000Z

Yesterday I tried and tried to contact Doctor Heinz Beenz, now the Scientific Laureate to the Throne of the Isle of Vorderman, and he wasn't picking up his phone, answering his e-mails.

I managed to get through to his wife at 10pm last night and she asked me if I was interested in a good time, I said yes and then promptly hung up to go and have a good time. I love my XBox.

I recieved this e-mail from him today on the subject of "Doing the rounds".

"My friends, my dear friends. That is what you all are at this time of year. Dear friends! Many people you see at this time of year only. It is strange that people who you couldn't give a fig about for 364 days (365 on a leap year) are suddenly thought about on the last Sunday before the big event.

"I am today going to examine this phenomanomanomanom. Firstly who are these people? They are usually obscure relatives or friends of friends. Somebody you met on a bus stop once. The person you went to university with but thought smelled of cabbage. I am sure you know this person very well. For me it is my old school chum Barnaby Tromboner. He was the aforementioned man who's aura radiated cabbage. I hate this man and his annoying little family. I am not sure I was friends with him in school, I seem to remember him stealing my money on numerous occations.

"In the example of Barnaby, the Sunday that has just passed I spent around his domecile as if we were the best of friends. That was the image at least. He spoke at length to me on the subject of his children's latest achievements and how well his wife was getting on as a dull and boring person. I don't care! For the love of god I never knew one group of people could spend a whole year doing absolutely nothing. As a man of science this concept is alien to me.

"I do believe that the weekend before Christmas is set aside to go and visit people. I like to interlace people I don't want to see with people I do. Although that list shortens with each passing year. Additionally my wife bought presents for each of them. EACH OF THEM! I'm getting a razor for Christmas this year for my wife and she bought them a DVD player from us! A DVD player. I started these Christmas musings in the interest of Science but now I am discovering the true nature of the season. Misery! Disappointment! Annoying people!

"And if you're reading this Barnaby, and I know you will be as you regularly google your own name: yes it was me who did that to your toilet and not your son as first suspected. I also did it elsewhere but I suppose that one won't be found until little Michael opens his stocking on Christmas morning.

"Tis the season."

He's really getting into it this year isn't he?

Countdown: 5 Days to Go!

2008-12-20T14:37:00.003Z

Doctor Heinz Beenz has just been round my house, in my face, giving me a one on one personal lecture. Here's what your friend and mine has to say on the subject of Santa Claus.

"Santa Claus. He is a man of many names. A man of mystery. Like James bond he comes and goes in the night, but unlike the superspy Santa doesn't have as many people with machine guns trying to kill him.

"Santa is an elusive character and we're going to explore his many facets to see how much we can discern about this jolly fat man with ample largesse.

"So firstly, the names. What's in a name? Many letters! And what comes from many letters? A postal service! Following this logic it is safe to assume that Santa is come kind of postal service. This would also explain the delivery of wrapped parcels, or 'pres-ents' to people around the world.

"Santa Claus, Chris Cringle, Father Christmas, Uncle Wolfgang (at least, that's what the person I caught dropping presents off in my room last Christmas called himself). These names are an example of a man who is confused. This confusion leads to a deep feeling of wanted to be a part of something, so he delivers presents to make all the children of the world feel better which in turn will make him feel better for a short period of time.

"The jollity of this man also knows no ends. He has a belly which wobbles like the jelly when it is pushed (very much like my own). In fact he has a big white beard...very much like my own. He wears read and only comes out at Christmas...

"... I have to go, right now!"

Wow, its astonishing how this man made it into a position of power as the Science Master General at Daily Week Times.

Countdown: 6 Days to Go!

2008-12-19T08:23:00.000Z

I've just ended a communication with Doctor Heinz Beenz PhD., Arch-Chancellor of the Sackville-Baggins Learnatorium, today his learnedness wants to communicate his scientific (ha!) findings on the subject of Music at Christmas.

"If music be the love of fruit, make a fruit salad, as Shakespeare said. Christmas and music go together like wine and wine. There are many aspect to the music at christmas, each one brings its own unique take on the season. I shall experience them all in the name of science and describe my findings on how Christmassy they make me feel.

"One aspect to Christmas is the Holiday Number One! This is the melody that the 'general public' buy and ensure gets played every five minutes on the radio until new year. This song could be a christmas song or a completely unchristmassy one. This year the number one is most likely going to be Halleberry by the winner of some grotesque public talent show. This song is about the rejoicing of god and was originally written by Leonard Rossiter for the TV series Rising Damp. There are 150 verse of Halleberry, more being discovered with every passing year, and Leonard sings them all on stage taking him 3.5 hours. While this song could be about Santa, it's not, so this one doesn't leave me in the spirit. This year at number 3 will probably by Aled Terry and Wogan Jones with Little Brown Jug/Peas on Earth. This song is famous for being sung by Bingo Starr and David Bosun, where Bingo didn't know who David was, and David didn't know who he was either. An old favourite, listening to this one rates a 5/9 on the Christmas scale.

"Next on the list of musical frivolity is the Christmas Carol, and the Carolling process. In some parts of this fine country it is illegal NOT to go carolling at least one during the festive period, with the Police keeping tabs on who has and who hasn't. One such place is my village Nigel-on-the-Mansell, where every week we gather around the tree in the centre of town singing songs like "We Three Kings," "Away in the Manger," and "Oops Upside Your Head". Many a night in December has been spent sat on the floor, between somebody elses legs rocking from side to side tapping the floor. What a night! Such displays of public unity reminds me of how we all got along during the Fallopean War. Good times.

"Some people will dismiss Christmas music because of its lack of appeal at other times of the year. To this I say this: foo to you!"

Don't worry, I'm calling the men in white coats.

Countdown: 7 Days to Go!

2008-12-18T09:23:00.000Z

Striaght from the mind of know-it-all Doctor Heinz Beenz, PhD, comes his latest lectures on the festive season. This time the good doctor talks about that staple of the festive period: Television

"Good day and good will to all men (and women) of the earth. Television, eh? Can't live with it, can't get by without it. Some people claim to not like television, but they are liars! They should watch more TV.

"Christmas television is better than television at all other times of the year. It is the time when the whole family gathers around the cancer causing glow, their bodies cells being permanently damaged by the cathode ray tubes or the plasmids and lcds. Because the whole family is around the television it is a good time to get to know people, which is why they created the advert.

"At all other times of the year adverts are designed to sell you many things you do not need, whereas at this time of year it is trying to sell you stuff you REALLY don't need. As my research student Lemmy Getum found out the other day by conducting television experiments on ducks, the ducks were more likely to walk into Sofas-for-Cheap during the festive period than before and after and spend their well earned cash. Thus proving that ducks love Christmas.

"This time of year is also when the old classics and new releases are brought to the forefront for all to gawp at. Forgetting cable and satellite for the minute, a whole THREE YEARS ago these films were in the cinema! Scientifically that's no time at all. Also the old films which you have on visual storage media are played, and heavily edited to fit into the demanding time slots, which you will watch and buy on DVD again and be glad that you've seen it again even though you know the plot inside out and upside down, which would help most Christmas films.

"I may be beginning to sound like a bit of a scrooge but I've been in contact with Nigel Axeblade and he's told me I'm not allowed to talk any more on television as we might get sued."

That's all that the good doctor had to say today. Although there was this memo left on my desk by Mr. Axeblade.

"A MEMO FROM AXEBLADE, KNIFEPOINT AND SAUSAGE ASSOCIATES.
FROM: Nigel Axeblade
To: KPJG.co.uk

Kristian, mate, that Dr. Beenz has got it all wrong! He can't slander Christmas film and telly like that! He'll put us all in the clink! I should know! I've been there myself! Only visiting you understand.

The companies that produce these *HIGH QUALITY* films have *HIGH QUALITY* lawyers, and since my law degree came from a box of cornflakes we're gonna be in dead shtuck! Up the proverbial! Without a proverbial!

Although if he insists on making fun of the classics, make sure that no-one gives a hoo-haa about them and make sure all the people who made it are dead.

Luuuuurvely my son!

Nigeybaby"

Well, there you go. A legal fracas avoided narrowly thanks to my "lawyer" Nigel Axegrinder. I'm not even sure I have a lawyer, I just started finding these notes on my desk one day.

Countdown: 8 Days to Go!

2008-12-17T09:01:00.000Z

Senior Lecturer Doctor Heinz Beenz, formerly of the University of Bathales now at the Gally Sunnel Institute for Learning and Hurdles, has contacted my good self again with further advice for the festive period. Being the kind and sharing soul that I am, I have decided to share these nuggets with you again.

"Greetings my fine wintery chums! Today my lecture is on getting into the festive spirit. You may not celebrate Christmas, not everybody does, and some people don't want to celebrate it even though they should. For you Abanazer Scrooges out there, I've got some useful advice on getting into the season.

"I'm going to concentrate on the five senses of Christmas, starting with Smell. Nothing beats a Christmassy smelling house, but what smells do we associate with winterval? Some say Christmas trees. Some day holly and mistletoe. Some even go as far as saying roast bird. From research into this by my undergraduate studnents I can conclude that nothing says Ho ho ho more than booze flowing freely. What class you are from will vary the booze that flows. In the lower classes you should expect low grade lagers and cheap fizz, but in the upper crust you can expect hand pressed oak matured spirits and lighter fluids (organic). Spread these cans and bottles liberally about your house and you'll smell the season instantly. I've already got many cans around my office and I can feel the cheer entering me from every pore.

"Sight: bright, flashing lights! That's what's on your tree, in your shopping arcades and other public areas. Some people cannot afford the lights in these hard financial times, so why bother. During this season people drink more (as mentioned earlier) and with this there will be a variety of coloured bottles about. In order to simulate Christmas lights in your own homes simply procure some of these bottles, turn on a regular light (low wattage so you don't damage your eyes) and close one eyelid. Then place two differently coloured bottles over each of your eyes and look at the lights. Now alternate the closed eyes. Hey presto, cheap Christmas display lights! Yes!

"Sound is what you hear with your ears, so that is why we examine it next. Christmas music would be the obvious choice, but that is too terribly cliche I won't even begin to consider it. I am a man of science after all. Instead I shall focus on the ambient sounds that happen around this time of year. Namely shouting. Christmas is all about shouting as loudly as possible at other people. The best way to start a fracas would be to sleep with your neighbours wife/husband. If this is already happening then you may need to head down a different line of attack. Maybe you should try pulling down your trousers whilst watching tv in the evening and making rude noises with your mouth? This may cause an incident too. All good things to get the blood of your friends and relatives going.

"There is only one taste of Christmas, the taste of despair at the repeating of Merry Christmas Mr. Bean on the television. Make sure you have it taped beforehand just incase they don't play it again and again and again and again.

"Finally, what does Christmas feel like? What can you touch to get people in the mood for the holidays? Well:"

THE FOLLOWING SECTION HAS BEEN REMOVED BASED UPON ADVICE FROM KPJG.co.uk'S LAWYER NIGEL AXEBLADE.

"...So when that clears up you should be feeling very festive. Please come back again tomorrow when you are all jollified and I shall recant more Christmas tips to you"

Wow, I can't believe he pulled another fine one out of the bag. Well done Doctor Beenz

Countdown: 9 Days to Go!

2008-12-16T13:16:00.002Z

Have you done you Christmas shopping yet? Never fear! (Un)Renowned scientist Doctor Heinz Beenz, Lecturer at the University of Bathales, is on hand to lend a hand!

"So you are having trouble with the shopping at Christmas? There are many ways to combat the stress felt by having to buy lots of gifts for people you might not even like that much!

"My first tip is to go Jedi! There is no Christmas, only the force. This will alleviate the need to buy gifts and it comes with a free lightsabre (batteries not included)

"Another tip: never underestimate the power of a home made gift. These gifts are usually best given as family presents from children. No children? Don't worry! Every September schools around the country throw away lots of pieces of 'artwork' made by the little darlings. Now hanging around schools is not a good idea and will get you arrested and sent to prison for a very, very long time you sick, sick pervert! The recycling centre on the other hand is unguarded (if you take a big enough lead pipe). Many a lecture of mine has been given on recycled paper and material (although as long as you reference it properly its called 'research'). Simply go to the recycling centre and burrow through the mountains of paper until you find something which looks vageuly childish.
"Luckily children also have terrible handwriting so as long as the first letter of the name is correct then you're free to give it as a gift as the rest of the name will be illegible. Some people may question whether or not you have children, simply brush these comments away with excuses like 'is that the time?' and 'I must go now as I've left the dog in the oven.'

"I haven't bought a present for anybody in the last twenty years, and neither should you. I don't shoplift, but I do go to through people's recycling boxes, steal their empty wine bottles and fill them up with my own home made wine. I simply crush the berries and mushrooms that grow in my garden and ferment them over a period of twenty minutes (with the help of some antifreeze) and the corks I make out of sticky tape and clumps of mud.

"I think with these tips you should be able to have a very happy Christmas."

Thank you to Doctor Heinz Beenz, that was very chilling.